lessons of twenty-twenty

Last blog post of the year everyone! I feel like I should write about goal setting or something emotionless and straightforward, but I won't. Maybe goal chasing has lost it’s high this year. I could care less about to-do lists, planners and new highlighters. I don’t know why but I'm not interested with excessive planning nor do I feel bad about it. This isn’t a big deal at all unless you are a recovering perfectionist who spends the majority of their time planning everything inside and out. But to hell with plans they don’t work. Even if you make room for mistakes and setbacks you can’t dress-rehearse the worse case scenario in order to be prepared for it. Bad things happen and nothing can lessen that blow when it hits. You can’t skip grief and tragedy, you can’t find a loophole in this part of the human experience. And I’m not telling you this from the perspective of someone who’s found out the secrets of the universe to unlocking hard emotions, I’m telling you as someone who sucks terribly at change, expressing hard emotions and telling the truth. I’m telling you as someone who’s last two years have sent me back in and out of therapy; spiralling and hopelessness. I’m telling you as someone who’s only 2020 intention was to learn how to release pain and suffering. I’m talking to you as someone who is currently writing this unfiltered, in real time like it was a journal entry (while listening to my isolation playlist on Spotify).

Growing up and false beliefs

And what are the chances that Slide by James Bay plays right at the part he sings “Nobody teaches you how to reminisce, Nobody teaches you to hurt like this”. It’s honestly true that, in my opinion, a lot of us are not equipped to deal with really tough and really real emotions and situations. In my case, I’m facing the consequence of being shielded from anything difficult whilst growing up. Despite being the oldest, I was raised differently from my brother; not being pushed outside my comfort zone, or encouraged to speak up, or stand up for myself. Little was expected of me and soo much was done for me assuming that I couldn't do it. I grew up with the mindset that I was a quiet child, weak and "good" (which is just a code word for a pushover).

Because I had created the belief that nothing bad happens to me, nothing bad happens where I live, nothing bad happens to the ones I love, which isn’t true. I would have a meltdown when shit actually did hit the fan in the form of life setbacks, depression, failed courses, failed friendships, deaths. I created the belief that a situation was my fault and mine to fix. And if I didn’t blame myself, I blamed the Universe for favouring other people over me, for not giving me answers and guidance and for putting me in this situation in the first place! This was so bad I remember thinking that a family member was dying because I did something wrong that I had to make up for?! That I am the centre of the universe and everything is either really really good because I worked at it or because I’m terrible. This is still part of the victim mentality where you believe that you are either worse than everything or no one likes you because you’re better than everyone.

Victim/Seperation Mentality

A victim mentality, as I learned in Mark Manson’s book, is the mindset in which you believe that you are separate from the group and everyone is against you. I want to make this clear that this has nothing to do with being an actual victim of bullying, harassment etc. For example, me blaming my parents for shielding me from difficult things is a form of directing energy in the wrong direction aka victim mentality. Also, it makes it as if I’m the only one in the world who deals with whatever we’re talking about. "You’re not special" was another hard pill to swallow from The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F***. You’re suffering is not the most amazing part of you... I would hope not. What most motivational speakers and authors fail to mention is that it’s still important, it’s valid and it is very very real! It's something that hurts you, hinders you or causes you to be excluded. But you have some wiggle room to do something. I know people don’t like hearing that happiness is a choice but even when your depression, anxiety etc. is uncontrollable, there is at least one little thing that you can control. I like to believe that I have even the tiniest amount of power to make shifts. If that’s grabbing lunch with a friend you trust, or calling them, or making a note on calling them, or even just getting to the stage that you don’t feel ashamed about seeing them. All of the above are little choices we can make. Before I started going to therapy on a bi-weekly basis like I do now: I came to terms that I needed therapy, looked for someone, made a note about it, called for information, made an appointment one day and would cancel the next. It’s not easy but these are still steps. They're not big but you can do them. There is always something you can do. You are not powerless. Despite trauma, childhood, poverty, mental health issues and everything you might of faced or continue to face, there is always something you can do because the Universe isn’t against you. I like to believe it’s not, I like to believe that I’m not that special for the Universe to solely conspire against me.

Unity and understanding through Namaste

This blog post is really free flowing and I’m literally typing my heart out for the last blog post of the year but in this stream of consciousness I want you to look at yourself and then look at others. I want you to see good in others. I want you to see your own experiences in your friends and enemies. We are all the same. My grief matches your grief, my trauma matches his trauma, my insecurities match their insecurities and my fear, suffering, pain, shortcomings, ego matches the collectives’. We mirror each other. These things don’t hurt less because you’re rich, or white or live in abundance. When you hurt, you hurt like the rest of us. This doesn’t mean that your experience is invalid because it is common, it means that you are not alone. There are people that can help and understand you. Even the worst crimes that have happened to a person has happened to someone else, doesn’t make it okay, it makes it as a reminder that you are not alone. You are not cursed. You didn’t cause this.

Namaste as taught by yogic teachings means that the light in me honurs and sees the light in you. I have translated this to also mean that everything we experience, see, create, fear can also be seen in others. When you see strength in a titan of a woman you absolutely adore, you can also embody that. The universe is abundant, you can’t not have something because someone else has it. You don’t have to give up on your ideas because someone else “took” it. Whatever is out there, there is always more where that came from. Pain, suffering as well as success and healing are everywhere. Be grateful when you receive healing and you’re heart heals over night and be present when it all shatters. Because you know it won’t last long, you know the Universe isn’t punishing you but that you are part of the human experience along with everyone else around you. It is valid, it is messy, it is yours. Your agreement in the human experience automatically signs you up to have your heart broken, your plans wrecked and you looking at your life in confusion and sadness. This is still part of the soul contract that ties in great great joy. This is yin yang; the good in the bad and the bad in the good. This is 2020, this is life and I wish you the best in figuring out what you want to do with it. 2021 is yours and I can’t give you a mantra of the year. You have your own Spirit, consciousness, gut, use it. And I’ll continue to use my guides and intuition carefully.

Namaste lovelies