I close my eyes and picture the rest of September and I feel grateful, light and hopeful. I see fields of green and yellow as I ride pass bushels of wildflowers on my bike. I feel the cool wind in between my arms and the sun on my face as I breeze up and down these streets. These streets that gave me so much anxiety just a year ago, feel not like home but the neighbourhood of an aunt I love. An aunt I grew up visiting every summer. This place is no longer haunted, this place is actually a dream if I let it be...
My mantra in the beginning of this month was "I'm excited for everything that's waiting to unfold". This mindset is literally the opposite of anxiety and anxious thoughts. Anxiety says "I am not ready for this", "I didn't plan for this", "What if this turns out like last time?", "I'm drowning before I even started"..
I took a walk on the trail behind my house and felt so light and beautiful and I tried my hardest to keep that feeling in mind as I kept walking. I asked myself "why can't I have this feeling all month? every morning? I CHOOSE to turn on and off the happy switch. I choose what is too hard for me to do and what I'm comfortable with. That one hour walk may be difficult for some to commit to, but I tell myself "This is fun", "This is a great opportunity to listen to my audiobooks/podcasts", "The trees are so beautiful this time of year", "This is good for your mental and physical health" etc. But when it comes to waking up early, anything unplanned, anything related to education or the future, I clam up. I tell myself they are mean't to be stressful, but it doesn't have to be. I don't have to go into a panic every time I check my emails, bills, or grades.
But I can invite curiosity and anticipation in those moments to better enjoy them. Would I rather learn through love or learn through fear?. The choice is mine. The choice has always been mine. I chose to panic, I chose to procrastinate, I chose to ignore. These are all choices; that I might make subconsciously but it is still a choice that I orchestrated. This isn't an easy pill to swallow: that you are to blame for your failed friendships, maxed out credit card, life delays etc. But after you chew on this bitter pill for a week, you'll make it on the other side where you can forgive yourself and actually do something about it all! I want an amazing life with amazing people but that requires me to constantly look at how my actions, thoughts, routines reflect that. And that in my opinion is becoming an adult, it's taking accountability for the big yucky stuff. It's realizing that I clench when it comes to difficult conversations when I really don't have to! Not knowing doesn't save you from anything in the long run. You are just living in a lie till you're not...
I hope you can step into the undeniable hard truths of your life. I hope that for the rest of the month you are able to flourish into a new area that previously caused you alot of pain.
good luck love,