hot girl bummer

what does anxiety look like in the summer? what shape does it take when I'm alone? when I'm supposed to be having fun? when I have no reason to worry?

well it starts earlier in the day. before I open my eyes I am paralyzed and unable to get out of bed and don't want to. I don't feel safe in it or out of it. it's presence is lingering, circling around syncing with the ceiling fan. I feel like literal shit.

what do you do when you're numb? I had the urge to pick at my hands again and pinch between my thumb and pointer finger. I haven't felt like that since my uncle died and I woke up everyday feeling out of my body. dead almost. so I would claw at the back of my arms and shoulders to, not hurt myself, but to feel not so dead. I was just checking...

quarantine has no hold on my mental health anymore. I am not bound by fearing death or whatever but other things. 1. that I will feel like this the majority of the time 2. that I will always get over something just to get back under 3. that I healed from People Pleasing Syndrome except when it comes to you 4. that I will be this sad and mediocre forever.

that was quite repetitive. and that's what sharing a bed with anxiety is; it's a strict routine. Wake up hating yourself for not doing enough, feeling so unmotivated that you don't do anything, hating yourself for something you said years ago, apologizing to your family members because you're disappointing and deserve sooo much better and then doing it again. I've been doing it on and off all summer.

I took time off socials and drank water and did the yoga. I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of sleeping in to make the day seem shorter and sitting in the bathroom at 4am because I can't sleep. I'm tired of not being able to do the bare minimum without falling apart. I don't know what to do except to write about it here. so that's what I did.

when I woke up a couple nights ago wanting to pick at my hands, I reassured myself that that's not what I truly wanted. I don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to feel bad about it right after. so what do I really want then?

-I want my bestfriend to want to call me

-I want to have the blueberry pancakes I've been craving

-I want to go swimming with my brothers

-scream

-paint something new to put on my wall

-bike whilst listening to music

-maybe want to get help

-have really good cry

-feel better

it hurts me that I'm even at this point where I have to talk myself out of this "habit". but shame only makes it worse and I'm really trying to focus on what I truly want. only thoughts and feelings from my highest self. that would be my #summer goals, to find a way to deal. not that anything on my instagram is a fake portrayal of who I am and how my summer is going but that it's not the full picture. there's a lot that goes into getting out of bed, showering, making an effort and photographing it for everyone to see. there are a lot of limiting beliefs and false narratives about myself that I have to get over in order to enjoy my summer.

it's difficult but it's not impossible

take care loves,