dear journal,

I gave up coffee for awhile because it only made me jittery and anxious. Yes, I'm having a coffee as I write this but I'm allowed this one. so it's different

my writing here and in my actual journal is not consistent. I haven't written much about anything. and that worries me because it's hard to know what I'm thinking if I don't let it pour on a page. I just feel like everything is subconsciously building up without my knowledge if I don't check in everyday or at least every other day.

this week I stopped caring. And not about things I should of left behind anyways, but about showers, laundry, work. I do not care. None of its done and i'm not stressed about it. I do not care.

self-isolation or not, I would probably still be here. And when this is over, chances are I will still be here. unmoved.

awhile back I wrote about a friend that I was pretty shitty to and I wanted them back. And why is it that they're reaching out and I want them to just leave it alone. Maybe I was shitty so they could leave me alone. I don't think I need us or want us...

I have another friend who is not responding back right now and I'm double and now triple texting to check in and see how they're doing, but still nothing. And it the midst of all this, I'm trying to not take it personally. I'm trying to show you I'm here if you need me. Or maybe you have other pressing things going on in your life and that's totally okay. But I'm moving away from believing that our friendship is fake, that I'm being annoying, that you don't like me...and everything else old me would make herself believe.

while checking on your friends, do so without wanting anything in return. Expecting reciprocity is human nature but don't expect too much. Put yourself in their shoes and feel the joy of receiving a message from a friend and let that be enough. Feel other people's joy while your own inbox is empty or when you feel empty and let it be enough.

depression is here. I always sense when it's here or when it takes it's cold hand from around my neck. I feel it when I wake up and I'm too scared to turn and look behind me or leave my room knowing its here...

I kinda want to England as of recently. England is one of those places that are overrated and I wouldn't mind skipping but I kinda wanna go. Or maybe it's just all the Harry Styles I'm listening to. He's sooo good like I want to have a cup of coffee with Harry at a cottage tucked away somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

how is it that I am more in shape at home than I was during the year??? I am doing squats every second I have a chance. I'm doing Saturday Stair Workouts (which I named myself thank you very much), yoga and running with Piper.

I could find more time to mediate and read. I also need to wake up earlier and enjoy daylight. maybe take my siblings to the park or down the trail. I also said I wanted to play Taylor Swift's Lover on the piano and I haven't done it so maybe i'll make a list of everything I want to do.

I'm having a hard time trying to reintroduce my depression while updating people about my life without making things, you know, depressing...

The highlight of my day is usually walking Piper. The saddest part of my day is usually splitting up and going to bed. When you're never tired sitting in the dark and all its quietness is pretty awkward and lonely.

they found a tumor in my cousin's stomach. and i'm trying not to be a selfish bitch and feel like the world is against me but how can I not??? Less than six months ago they found tumors in my uncles lungs and liver and now this? my younger sister. she's in the hospital and no one can visit. not that i'm ready to see her like that. They say things like this happen to test our faith. this shit it breaking my faith. there is nothing left to test. if the universe is not careful they're will be nothing left to test. it's only right that I don't do the same things and believe the same things if the results are indifferent. isn't that what they call insanity?

This week I'm present, grateful, jealous, worried, untrusting, resentful, sad, trying...