words from inside

I'm here almost all of the time anyways

I'm not new here

I’ve never been here with all the noise and light

But I know its hiding places

I know its healing powers

-home

Swaddled in comfort I don’t quite deserve

I feel guilty

and overfill my belly

and my head with dreams

I assure myself I’ve been through worse

I’ve felt worst

my lineage has known worse

and somehow that only makes me cry harder

It’s dawn and I haven’t slept yet

The sun rises and brings with it everything I tried to suppress the night before

It’s 6am and my eyes are swollen with grief

body soaked in sweat

Everything coming back at once

I don’t even know what exactly what I’m crying about

They just all come back at once

I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit I was angry

I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit I was anxious

I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that I too am scared

I’m only scared of a couple things

but at the top of that list

a. I’m scared of not doing all the things I said I was going to do

b. I’m scared that I will always be scared of something

Do you remember wrapping an elastic band around your finger until your pointer finger went from pink to white and you can feel it pulsating between the band?

I feel a giant band around my chest and back then through

sometimes it feels like the only thing keeping me together

The pulsating that is

I don’t remember what it feels like without this tightening in my chest

reminding me about the thin line between a good day and a bad one

To be happy and realistic

To be alive and silent

Things go from pink to white

And white to pink

my anxiety feels like a distant relative

they’re never here but when they are, they’re loud and squeeze tightly and make your insecurities come to light

My loneliness is a trickster, makes me believe I’m good on my own and then reminds me that I am nothing without the people I can’t have

My depression feels like nothing.

just silent mornings looking out the window

I don’t want to think about it too long

But if it all stopped right here

I would want to be be where you are

When the planes cease to run

When the shelves are bare

When they’re no one else’s eyes but our own

I only want to be where you are

But I don’t think like to think about it for too long

one

I contemplate getting out of bed. I don’t.

my eyes are not tired, but heavy.

Two

I try not thinking about the things I shouldn’t, but I have to because I have nothing else if I don't

Three

My eyes are dry but I can’t stop watching until I feel something other than this

Four

I go out outside and feel something other then nothing

I come back and wait for you to change your mind

You don’t

Five

I eat but I can’t help but think if this meal might be my last

Six

I try to conjure a spell to fold space and time between us

Seven

I ask people if they are okay about ten times a day in hopes that tomorrow they call me first

Eight

I finally cried

Nine

I can’t sleep

Ten

I hope you’re doing better than I am?