Guilt, shame and resentment

Sidenote: this blog post was actually written in July and ironically didn't go live because of guilt, shame and resentment...anyways enjoy my heart and soul

Maybe this is all the Brene Brown I’ve been listening to talking or it’s just being a cancer that walks with her feelings ten steps ahead of her is what is compelling me to write a blog post about guilt, shame and resentment. These three sentiments are present in places and people around me that I have overlooked. Well I overlooked ever experiencing these sentiments because they’re not usually at the forefront of other sentiments. What I mean is that I wouldn’t consider guilt, shame or resentment to be my most felt feelings, if that makes sense. So I assume it doesn’t exist for me because it’s the dominating emotion. Like anger. Or not being hungry or tired. I don’t understand it so it doesn’t exist.

Shame is one of those things that’s there but you just assume that the monster is supposed to live there. Maybe it’s a girl thing, (socially of course) that we are supposed to have outside validation about the way we dress, talk, dance, respond, don’t respond, agree, disagree and just be. The more I think about it the more my stomach turns. Just thinking about all the learned behaviours and interests because of a comment, an eye roll, a sigh; from your dad, a guy you thought you liked or your aunt who you can never seem to mind her own business! “That’s the last time I’m ever wearing that skirt (well in front of you at least, cause it’s a pretty cute skirt)”, “don’t laugh so loudly, or at least look down anything to not show your teeth”, “Pretend you like X instead of Y, cause Y is lame, or soo last year, or babyish, or white (), or anything that you are apparently not supposed to like, enjoy, eat, date, wear, study, watch, practice, sign up for.

We buy into the explicit and implicit stories everyone outside of tells us and begin to shift and mold to please them, without knowing it. “Bikinis are for dirty dirty sinners who love hell”, “If I don’t dress appropriately then I’m giving boys permission to touch me”, “Honey, why don’t you do nursing instead”, “Woow you’re really getting dark this summer, try not to sit in the sun too much”, “Why are you so thin, guys don’t really like skinny girl, you should eat more *turns to my mom* Why don’t you feed her!!”, “Why did you do that to your hair?, like do you like it like that, guys don’t like girls who have masculine hair?”. What does that even mean to have masculine hair lol. And why is it that the number one way to shame girls is to bring up what some guy would think or your bride price. Like there’s one type of guy who hates girls with short hair and no butt, like we even care, and like who wouldn’t like my tiny hairs and tiny butt. Enough about my butt though.

I’m still guilty of second guessing myself when I want to buy an outfit that I absolutely love and all I hear is what someone is going to say about modesty, skirt lengths and being “respectable” (which is a problematic term within itself. 1. Like who decides who’s worthy of respect and who isn’t? 2. And what is that based on? 3. Who regulates that? Answer: 1. Men 2. Following societal expectations required of you 3. Men). I’m guilty of considering what someone else is going to say about nothing that concerns them. Don’t get me wrong, I do consider other people’s feelings, opinions and presence but only when it concerns them. My body, my field of study, who I choose to associate with, isn’t up for discussion. Whether or not I am pretty enough, smart enough, modest enough is not for anyone to decide. To be more specific, it’s for NO ONE to decide. Not our fathers, or brothers, or boyfriends who do so in the name of protecting us from ourselves. With the impression that they know us more than we know ourselves. That they’re more intuitive then we are. More knowledgeable in the things of the world. In the things of the world in your shoes. In the things of the world in your body and as seen through your eyes.

Only you know you. And if you don’t, get to know yourself because you literally live in this body and to have someone else decide, judge, knit pick, label, control, silence, change your whole life, your whole being and your whole essence if prosperous and sad. Because you are a wonderful human with a mind of your own and opinions of your own and dreams of your own and the only shame would be you not trusting your gut and using them.

Temporarily upsetting someone while you’re being your truest self doesn’t count as being a bad friend, a disrespectful daughter or a selfish self-centered girlfriend. Looking back, there are so many key words used to describe women going for it despite what people think. There are going to be a people who give themselves permission to comment on your life and “concerned” parents who are just trying to “help”, and people who don’t want to talk to you anymore or people you wake up and decide that you don’t want to talk to anymore. When you shift and change out of a shame shit storm there is a hell of cocoon to breakthrough of and an even thicker layer of BS to breakthrough when you’re a woman. Like I said before, there is nothing more tragic when, we as girls, pick up on societal signals and drift away from our truest self to be a water-downed version of ourselves that is deemed more respectable and presentable or dateable. More worthy of love, respect, attention and safety. It’s a shame when we buy into it, it’s a shame to be shamed and it’s a shame to live in a world where you can’t authentically share your gifts with the world while shamelessly and wholeheartly being you.