why I still live with my mother (moving out and moving on)


5 graduations, 4 Easters, 3 thanksgiving dinners, 3 Christmas mornings, 2 proms and a ton of birthday parties. A couple weeks ago, I moved from my comfy home in the suburbs to a another comfy home in the suburbs. Same kinda deal as our old place minus the fact that our backyard is soo much bigger, my room is soo much smaller, the water here taste weird and that this city has never heard of public transportation! I knew that we were going to move about a year ago. At first the plan was to move about 3 hours from here. Obviously I would stay in town and finish my fifth year and see where life takes me from there…

The news made me soo anxious even if no one brought it up, I just felt sick all the time. I lowkey highkey had a decent amount of resentment towards the people who decided that this was a good idea. Because it wasn’t. Or whoever thought it was a good idea to move without asking for everyone else’s pro’s and cons list. It’s that feeling of not being considered, not being asked but being caught off guard, it’s making a plan that doesn’t exist, it’s planning thanksgiving dinner in your head (like I usually do for some reason) and now just seeing a giant blur. Everything is a blur. It’s figuring out new running trails, new routes to coffee shops, how the heck I’m going to get to school, realizing that my friends can’t just swing by and pick me up on the weekend or that there’s nothing absolutely interesting in these parts of town. Oh how the suburbs have a way of feeling like one giant trap, if you’re not a carpooling mom or a 5 year old. So why do I still live with my mother? Why do I not do my own thing? Get my own place and finally move out???

Well there are many reasons like mula and there is a bigger reason like my seperation anxiety. They're my freaking support group! Not everyone, all the time. But they're still my anchor when midterm season hits in October or finals come around in April and if I have an existential crisis that always revolves around the question: "What am I doing with my life???". Can you imagine me burdening my poor roommate with my drama. Can you imagine me trying to have deep convos with the people during my commute?? Can you imagine the side eye I would get??? Holding up the line at Starbucks because I really want to know the Barista’s life story.

Me: Hi, how are you?

Barista: Good, thank you

Barista: What can I get yo-

Me: Isn’t the weather nice today! Like isn’t sooo beautiful. I love when the sky gets that colour?? Do you? Do you?

Barista: yeah I guess. Soo wha-

Me: Isn’t funny how the sky just knows how to be the sky, and we’re all just on a spinning planet hurdling through space with absolutely no idea how the world actually works. And from a birds view, I’m just a tiny ant sized human buying a tinier coffee?

Barista: Talking about coffee…did you want to actually get something?

Me: oh yeah, I’ll have a vanilla soy latte

Barista: with almond milk or coconut milk?

Me: almond please. Thank you

*walks away with coffee*

Me: *turns back around* I feel like we really hit it off, did you want me to leave my number or something

Barista: ...*signs deeply* please leave before I call my manager

Truth is, being a cancer or just being who I am, I am a sensitive introverted homebody that desperately craves deep conversations tbh. Home is not a building so I will recover from not living in that house, but it’s where my family is and it’s where I’m going to be for my 5th and finally uni year. I am still bummed about the distance to the city but atleast they’re not moving 3hrs away. But I'm thankful that we at least had a little bit of time before school started to unpack and that everyday I wake up here I feel just a little bit better than I did the night before.

Wish me luck,