where my heads at (+life update)

Before being dragged into August I wanted to analyze my train of thoughts and share with you where my head is at right now to declutter everything and anything in order to feel like i'm sinking into a new month instead of the feeling of aimlessly being dragged against my will.

I feel great these days. Less anxious when I wake up and more excited to do things. Anything really. I clean more frequently, leave the house and actually eat spinach people! Like who am I??? I'm not super stressed about school which stresses me out a bit. I have a ton of things to do, appointments to book and things to pay off that I can't help but postpone. I'm less tired all the time. I haven't pulled a single all nighter which is great cause when I start I honestly don't stoppp.

I made a 5th year bucketlist which is basically everything I should of done during my 4 years in uni but didn't do. I might share it but then again it's pretty embarrassing how I avoided homecoming and all other basic uni events that make the whole experience.

If you're looking on a update on therapy, it's okay, I don't have another appointment for 3 weeks which I'm okay with, I think. I hope and pray that our appointments can continue to be regular in september (preferably biweekly) but that might not be the case...

Relationships with everyone have improved since icing everyone out a couple months back. I am soo excited to hangout with friends, go out for brunch and be surround with people who radiate light, love and pure sunshine! And I think that's why I wanted to have a 22nd birthday party after years of being birthday-party-less; It was a reminder that I do have people! I do have people that support me, that want to see me do well in this life and that want to be around me. I guess when you're "temporarily depressed" you get in a mindset that nobody is going to care if you retreat, cancel and slowly disappear for a couple months. That you're doing it for yourself and that you can't possibly be hurting or worrying people when you don't text them back.

I'm going to cringe soo hard writing the next sentence but I'm going to write in anyways. But I've been lonely. It's so annoying to say that and share it because I'm not exactly alone. But it's true what they say about being in a room full of people and feeling completely alone. There's something about claiming that I'm feeling lonely that makes me feel like a loser or ungrateful because I am, in fact, surrounded. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm not on the same page with everyone around me. Like they want to talk and I want to go home or I want to talk about one thing and they want to talk about a whole other thing. One thing I've realized, and a new friend of mine has pointed out, is that I crave deep conversation and am not the biggest fan of small talk. So if I want to talk about something that's meaningful to me and the other person isn't reciprocating, then I feel alone in my interest. I feel alone in my values. And I feel so so so bad when I'm not being present with what someone is saying, and I'd rather be home watching a Netflix comedy special by myself.

I'm worried that I won't be able to check everything off my summer bucketlist on time and i'm trying to make peace with that. I have to do laundry, declutter and pack. I have to work on all my platforms and figure out a couple things. I have to post more reguarly on here. And finally, finish my 2 July books (Eat, Pray, Love and The Happiness Project) so I can start my August reads.

You can't imagine how great it feels to write this and let it go.

lots of love