the will to do things
One of the big changes I'm making on my blog is talking about things that matter to me or things that I'm going through. I'm not stepping away from the bland and basic world of making bucketlists for the season or self care ideas, but I also want to talk about the not so happy, motivated or hopeful times. I want the yin and the yang in my life to be reflective on here. So my blog and my instagram (@simplybusimee) isn't just a highlight reel of everything good in my life but as realistic as I allow it to be.
This post starts back a couple months ago. And you're probably tired of me being a Debby Downer and bringing up depression, but here I go anyways. A couple months ago when things were all dark and gloomy one of the negative tapes that wouldn't stop playing in my head was that of "you ruined your life" and "it's all over for you" (harsh right?). With that came I sense of there's nothing to look forward to (this summer and for the rest of 2019. But time is relative right?). There was no reason to plan, to look forward to things, to see people or to celebrate my birthday, because what did I do for the first third of the month that was worth celebrating??? You don't take a vacation around Europe knowing you've been staring at a wall for months. Or can you? Can you buy yourself a new bed spread knowing your room is disgusting at the moment, can you hangout with your friend if you've been ignoring another friend, can you pick one over the other or do you have to do one before the next??? And I guess most of us have that discipline mindset where you have to earn something like a treat and can't just let ourselves be accustomed to it being available and enjoying it whenever ypi feel like it. Being depressed has a way of making you feel down for being down and that you shouldn't have anything good till you're not down (not unproductive, not a total disappointment to yourself and others.)
But to finally shut up the nagging voice that demands I show a list of valid reasons of why I deserve happiness and peace of mind this summer, this year and for the rest of my life is by doing the things I want to, despite. It's having an over the top girl's night birthday dinner, it's making a list of everything I want to do this summer, it's buying new swimsuits, it's saying yess to a couple dates here and there and it's honestly living my best life and getting excited for things without having to explain myself.
My therapist asked me if I feel better and I told her "yes" and she asked me "how do you know you feel better?" to which I replied "I have the will to do things now. I actually want to get up and do things and leave the house and be with people and take pictures..." Pausing to realize how true this is, I said "The will to do things is finally back in my body". I'm coming back to myself...