new years part 2.

I have had a very difficult year. Mentally speaking. I've talked about how things didn't start off on the right foot in my post titled 4th year. Before I knew it, I was dealing with depression. It was a depressive period for no absolute reason. My grandparents are alive, no dogs have passed, I don't have a terminal illness, so what the heck was I so down about?? And that's the thing about it, it doesn't need an exact reason or situation for it to show up. It doesn't need your permission. It doesn't consider your availability. It needs the smallest shred of insecurity. Just a whiff of it. You don't have to raise a flag that says "come rent here", you don't even have to raise your hand, or your finger but merely make eye contact with it. Talking about it was hard as hellllllllll. I felt like such a hypocrite after writing the Let's Always Talk post back in February only to ice everyone out when I was going through my own thing. It's like everything just shut down. I didn't care. This went on for a couple months and I've only started coming back to myself in the last two weeks, to be very honest with you. I've been sleeping. Like deep sleep for 8 hours. And finally stopped eating all night. I'm speaking to a councillor (which was soo scary but refreshing). And I'm actually going to the gym and I feel great about it! I'm actually excited to go and I go because I truly enjoy it and I truly love myself. Not as punishment or a chore, but because the will to do (simple) things has come back to my body. When I tell you I spent all of last semester eating grilled cheese and staring at a wall, I am not overexagerrating. I was literally stuck. I was in a *trance. [*Trance being defined as a state of mind in which consciousness is fragile and voluntary action is poor or missing; a state resembling deep sleep].

I am over the moon excited for this summer and actually being present and happy for it! I am forgiving of myself for "wasting so much time" and "ruining my life" and for going through that depressive period. Talking with my councillor I realized that I was in the cycle of going through months of depression then being upset that I "wasted" my own time like I had a choice?! Because if I had a choice, I wouldn't of gone through it at all, but that's not the way it works! No one openly chooses to spend almost half a year alone in a dark place. I am forgiving of myself because I have no other choice, if I want to get out of this hole. When you fear, doubt, push, you dig further; when you forgive, move on, cry, call, then you my friend are climbing. The first step was honestly wanting to go back to happy. Not back to 2018, or new years or before this and that happened, but back to that state of happiness. The state I knew existed in my realm because I've been there before; I know what it feels like and my body was now starting to crave it. The state I knew of but couldn't quite align with.

So go back to a time that things didn't suck. And now wish for something sorta like that (because this is not a time machine and you can't magically go back to being in a relationship, in kindergarden taking naps or before someone took advantage of you). Know that there was a time better than this, and if you had it then than you can definitely have it again! And trust me when you decide to crawl out of your hole you'll have a boatload of people ready to help you out. You may not be speaking to them now but they're there waiting. To be fair, they can't really help someone they assume doesn't need any help...

Thank you to my highest self for looking past that moment and knowing we deserve better. Thank you for looking out for me.