60 things I thought about from here to there

So last night I came back from a daycation 3 hours outside of the city. It was a short trip there and back before it was over. I complied a list of almost everything that crossed my mind during the drive there and back. I didn't really have any idea what this would amount to nor the relevancy to my blog. I felt it and just went with it. Before hitting the road I didn't want to go and gave myself a ton of reasons not to (or leave the house). I had an uncompleted check list, conversations I was avoiding, self-loathing, self-sabotage, self-condemnation and cutting out time to do things this weekend just to not do them. The last thing I wanted to do was leave knowing I could be home alone instead. Yet part of me just wanted to get away for a bit...and so I did.

"There are mountains up ahead of you, but there is bold and radiant light too; guiding you through the wild of things that make no sense to you. a much needed reminder in the depths of it all: though you are small, you are still seen here, and by grace these mountains will be moved.”

- Morgan Harper Nichols


Like previously mentioned, the following is a random list of thoughts that turned out to be not so random after all...

  1. I should probably wear rain boots today

  2. Why do we take so long to get ready?

  3. I should probably bring water and a blanket

  4. Should I have a second cup of coffee for the road?

  1. Why can't I find my book?

  2. Forget it

  1. I can't remember the last time it hailed like this, it's satisfying and inconvenient all at same time

  2. I hope the weather clears up

  3. I hope the roads clears up

  4. I'm bored

  1. Why is it that "chilly" the adjective is used as a synonym for cold, while "chili" the pepper is spicy and "chilli" the dish is (served) hot?

  2. I feel like I'm missing something. I wonder what my upcoming assignment is?

  3. Forget it Busime! You're here now, be here

  4. Taylor Swift's You Belong with Me, Back to December, Begin Again and Everything has Changed will always be a jam

  5. There's so many windmills out here

  1. Same goes with horses and cows

  2. Am I the only one that finds cows kinda cute?

  3. If only we could decide between heating the car or turning on the AC

  4. Is it seriously snowing already???

  5. This trip is too long to waste doing nothing but too short to take a nap or watch a few movies

  6. There's actually no place I would rather be right now

  1. This town feels empty like everyone just got up and left

  2. I've never felt so out of place like I do in this abandoned town

  3. Well it's not abandoned it's just not the suburbs or the city

  4. Wow the houses by the lake are beautiful!

  5. I wish it would stop raining so we could go down to the pier

  6. I really want to nap now

  1. Thank God I remembered to bring snack but I'm running low

  1. Ahhh finally some familiar faces

  2. I should come down here more often

  1. We might as well go over to Michigan and see some people

  2. I should probably add seeing my grandparents on the list of people to see

  3. Am I still travelling alone this year? Where to first? And when do I have the time?

  4. I still feel like I'm forgetting something

  5. I need a trim

  6. But at least I took the time to get my nails done

  1. Uh everyone can tell that we're not from here

  2. I kinda wanna sneak out the back door

  3. Never mind dramatic me is enjoying herself

  4. These guys are goofy, not in a funny way though

  5. I will never understand why people always assume that I'm not the oldest

  6. There's fruit here so I know I have no excuse but I honestly just want donuts (which isn't even an option right now)

  7. Baby fever is a real thing people I repeat baby fever is real!!!

  8. It's soo nice to see people that make you feel the most you. People that can trace an outline of your identity, your language, your songs, and your experience.

  9. I'm getting teary eyed

  1. Thank God we got an oil change today because that sound was driving me nuts

  2. I need to catch up with my water intake which is not gonna happen unless I want to stop every hour, but I also don't want to dry up like a prune

  3. Good news! I got a donut and some chai tea for the trip back

  1. I should probably listen to a podcast to kill the time

  2. Tell me how I can only almost tolerate these girls when we're outta town *I thought as I went through my camera roll*

  1. I can't wait to get in bed

  2. I can't wait to get home

  3. Is it just me but wherever I travel, doesn't matter how beautiful, I can never wait to go home

  4. My butt hurts from sitting for so long

  5. How come Kalyn's podcast always find me at the right time? #divineintervention

  6. I'm so happy that I didn't cancel or reschedule this trip

  7. I loved being there with intention, undivided attention and not as much complaining as I assumed would happen

  8. I'm grateful that I'm now here safely and full of yet another experience

  9. Travelling even a couple hours (to the middle of nowhere) is always enough time to write things down and figure things out

  10. This always reminds me about how my dad tells me of how when I was just a little human that I would peacefully fall asleep in the car and the car alone. When I cried non-stop in the house, he would put me in the car-seat and drive around the block till I would fall back asleep. Pretty high maintenance on my tiny behalf but he always jokes that that's where I found my love for road trips...

This list ended up not being so random after all. Following the listing part, letting it sit out for awhile part and listening to that podcast, I realized that what I thought was my blog idea was a weird path to awareness and recovery. Writing thoughts down as soon as they occurred, forced me to be present with what was going on and not being stuck in the past (what I've been doing wrong) or the future (my assignments, the conversations I need to have and the decisions I have to make). It was only at the end of the trip (probably half an hour until I made it home) that the dots started to connect. I know that in the last month I talked about pretty depressing stuff like self-sabotage, feeling unmotivated, uninspired and all things getting out of a rut; and through being aware of my thoughts I can see what regularly comes up. I know when faced with stagnation or a big change I do inevitably turn into a hermit, indulge in comfort foods, avoid people (including texts) but looking at this list I can see how much I hesitate, doubt and contemplate (i.e. I always feel like I'm forgetting about something if I'm not doing work or double checking my schedule).

I'm currently going through one of the biggest changes of my life right now that I can't quite tell anyone just yet (which also makes this even more difficult) and it requires me to not be so clingy and organized about little details. This phase of my life requires me to grow up, stop complaining, stop avoiding the situation, keep a secret for awhile and keep an open mind. Just like this trip, I need to just go with it not knowing exactly how it's going to play out but believing that's its going to be great! Remembering to have fun and just go with things as they come is really the key here (and to almost anything in life). Being curious over being fearful is what keeps anxiety far far away from seeping into all our wonderful dreams, goals and aspirations. Feeling like you need to have control, the answers or the end-results all the time is what makes every situations feel bigger then it is and causes one to self-sabotage or procrastinate to avoid having to deal with it.

Change isn't fun or easy but it gets less uncomfortable with time and the right mindset. It's bittersweet and that's totally okay. Just think about every time you had to face a major shift in your life (a breakup, moving, losing a friend etc.) and it seemed like the worst thing in the world until it wasn't. Understanding that life works in chapters and that you're just gracefully floating on to the next one is the difference between remaining and evolving. Trust the chapters in your life; Trust the timing of events, trust that good things are coming your way, trust in possibility, trust in playfulness, trust in laughter and abundance and growth and happiness and everything beautiful in this life and finally trust that the book that is your life is a freakin' page turner!!!

Happy figuring out and living your best life,